Parents, eh? With their lack of meme culture, nostalgic stories about Woolworths and all that pointless fury over software updates, how is it that your parents are somehow still in charge?
But to better understand their weird ways, you need to know how to survive in a world that speaks an archaic language about floppy discs and “hanging up” the phone. And with this handy guide, you will be well equipped to take charge of the household – no matter how old you are. Just give your parents some old cassette tapes and tell them they need rewinding with a pencil; that’ll teach them.
“We’ll see.”
Quick translation: “No.”
In-depth translation: “I’m too tired for a conversation about this right now, so I’m delaying the inevitable. But have no doubt, it’s a no.”
“Don’t look at me with those eyes.”
Quick translation: “We both know you think I’m an idiot.”
In-depth translation: “Yes, I know I said I wanted more eye contact from you and less screen time, but now you’re looking at me, it’s with disrespect. So just go stare at a book or something – no, not that book.”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
Quick translation: “I honestly can’t think of another reason.”
In-depth translation: “You’re starting to realise I’m a human being who doesn’t always behave rationally, or have good reasons for doing things. And I hate that you’re figuring that out.”
“Were you born in a barn?”
Quick translation: “Shut the door.”
In-depth translation: “I know you weren’t born in a barn because I was very much present during your birth. But I was told to shut doors when I was growing up, so I’m going to do the same to you.”
“Go ask your mum/dad.”
Quick translation: “I don’t care.”
In-depth translation: “I mean, I could care, but then I’d have to get involved in this debate and possibly end up being the bad guy. I don’t want to be the bad guy, I like being the nice parent who sits in this chair pretending to read War and Peace with a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey hidden inside.”
“Did you see that Sarah from your year got married?”
Quick translation: “I want grandchildren.”
In-depth translation: “I’ve been brainwashed my entire life into believing that the only happily-ever-after for humans is settling down with a partner and starting a family. I would like some reassurance that this is on your agenda.”
“It wasn’t like this in my day.”
Quick translation: “I don’t understand.”
In-depth translation: “Look, can you just bloody well send this email for me because I don’t get what you’re telling me about the reply-all function. And while we’re here, who or what is Depop? Is it anything to do with that clock website TikTok?”
“Did you read that article on Facebook?”
Quick translation: “I’m worried.”
In-depth translation: “I know you’re not on Facebook but I need you to read this thing about vaccines and reassure me it’s nonsense. Oh, and then I need you to clear out all the viruses I’ve accidentally downloaded.”
“I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Quick translation: “Please stop being sad.”
In-depth translation: “I’m pretending to be cross right now because I don’t know how to deal with your feelings. I know, rationally, it’s perfectly healthy for you to have emotions and express them. And actually I’m also feeling a bit emotional, which is why I’m lashing out.”
“Are your legs broken?”
Quick translation: “Do it yourself.”
In-depth translation: “I am sick of feeling that the emotional and physical labour around here always comes down to me, and I need you to help. But I also don’t want you to help because, then, how would I be the martyr?”
“One day you’ll thank me.”
Quick translation: “I’m trying to help.”
In-depth translation: “Soon you’ll understand that life can suck in a big way, and even though this decision seems stupid to you right now, I’m hoping you’ll get it eventually. But you probably won’t.”
“Don’t talk to strangers.”
Quick translation: “Don’t talk to anyone at all.”
In-depth translation: “There are a lot of things in the world that scare me these days. I want to keep you safe, but I don’t know how. Please teach me in a way that makes me still feel like the adult in this situation.”
Need help talking to dad about milk? Visit oatly.com/helpdad
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