Before the virus, we were already highly stressed by a sense of isolation. Social media’s images of perfect people having the time of their lives don’t help, making us feel that heart-plunging dip in self-esteem.
Isolation is one of the biggest causes of mental ill-health, even affecting length of life. In prisons, a UN special rapporteur has said that prolonged solitary confinement is a form of torture. Humans are at their best working as a team, and empathy is the glue that sticks them together. This is a far cry from the dog-eat-dog culture we live in (though I’ve never seen a dog eat a dog).
For my forthcoming book, I spent two years looking for green shoots poking through. In every area – tech, education, business, eco urban neighbourhoods and towns – the innovators all share the belief that our future success depends on working as a team. People come with their individual skills, but everyone feels that they matter. Empathy flows when people care that we exist; the feeling that someone always has your back is a joyous way to live.
I always dreamed of a group of people to call my own; where I could drop my mask and not have to say “Fine” with a rictus smile in response to the question, “How are you?” Because I felt I had no community, I started one, called Frazzled Cafe. About 12 to 15 people would meet every two weeks in cafes across the UK, supported by a trained facilitator to give the session structure and make it safe. Some of these groups lasted as long as four years. About one in four people have a mental illness, but Frazzled Cafe aims to help those who simply feel overwhelmed.
Since Covid-19, Frazzled has moved to Zoom, and we’ve been flooded with people who want to share their thoughts. They have expressed feelings of uncertainty, loneliness; being overwhelmed by balancing work, relationships and family life; and guilt for appreciating aspects of their isolation – issues that had perhaps been exacerbated by the lockdown. No one had the manual on how to deal with this situation, so they would come and talk about it.
I now hold nightly meetings for 50-100 people. We also have trained hosts who hold smaller meetings for up to 15 attendees throughout the day – you can sign up for either at FrazzledCafe.org, and it’s free. Attendees have said things such as, “By coming here, it calms the chaos in my mind... you get that instant, raw connection that brings out the true essence of what it means to be human.” I’ve said throughout my life: “Talking is half the cure.”
• Ruby Wax is an actor, mental health campaigner and the author of And Now For The Good News… To The Future With Love (Penguin Life, published 17 September)
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